Funny One Liners

+4

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

+3

No one ever complained of parachute not opening

+2

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

+2

I’m so great, i’m jealous of myself

+1

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

+1

I may be driving slow, but I’m in front of you.

+1

If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

0

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

0

Relatives are people who come to dinner who aren’t friends

0

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

0

Money isn’t everything…. there’s credit cards, money orders, and traveler’s checks.

0

A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.

0

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

0

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot

0

There are more men than women in mental hospitals… which just goes to show who’s driving whom crazy.