Lawyer One Liners

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Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?… He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

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In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator — It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

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Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their profession. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

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Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig is at home in the mud.

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It’s not a shortage of judges that causes the problems in our courts; it’s the excess of lawyers.

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Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.

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A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.

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There are two kinds of lawyers — those who know the law and those who know the judge.

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Animals aren’t as stupid as people think: after all, they don’t have any lawyers.

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Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

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No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

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A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer

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Everybody in my family follows the medical profession. They’re all lawyers.”