A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The Lord may be smilin’ on the sheeps, but they still wind up as lamb chops.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

There are three types of intelligence: the intelligence of man, the intelligence of animals and the intelligence of the military… in that order.

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don’t.

I got wasted last night, and I hit an animal with my car… in the lobby of Caesar’s Palace.

The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

The mosquitoes in Louisiana are so big, they can stand flat foot and screw a chicken!

Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.

At the zoo I like to watch the polo bears.