Out of the mouth of babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
Kids are wonderful… I like mine barbecued.
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.
Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.
Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.
I can’t have kids because I have white couches.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
When I meet a man I ask myself, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’
I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.
Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.